What If?

I'm sitting at my computer desk typing away on a project for work when my six-month old starts crying. Now, it's only been an hour since I put her in her crib for nighty-night time and this is the third time she's cried. Evie is not the best sleeper in the world (she wakes up a couple of times each night) but she does go to sleep on a regular schedule at bedtime. I expect it. I count on the hours between her bedtime and my bedtime to be mine. My time for work, my time for quiet, my time for dishes and laundry and picking up dirty socks off the floor. So, by the third time I hear her cry I find myself irritated as I walk to her room. I've tried rubbing her back, giving her another bottle, replacing the paci, making those calming shushing sounds and even letting her "cry it out". This time I ignore the "don't pick her up" warnings from well-meaning doctors and moms and I pick her up. Her little hands grab my cheeks, pull my face to hers and she starts sucking on my nose. She is so relieved to be in mommy's arms, she wants mommy as physically close to her as possible. So, I hold her. I rock her. I love on her. And she falls fast asleep. She just needed to know that I remembered her and I still loved her. I put her in her crib and watched her sleep. The thought crossed my mind, what if our goal in life, our sole purpose was to love? To love God and to love people with as much fervor as my little girl loves me. What if our jobs, deadlines, chores, plans and expectations were secondary to our focus on loving others more than ourselves? Or better yet, what if they were opportunities for us to love others? What if every time my baby cried I viewed it as an opportunity to show her love, instead of time away from things I wanted to get done? And when my eight year old disobeys me, what if I saw that as an opportunity to show her grace, forgiveness and wisdom? What if we went to work with smiles on our faces every day and went out of our way to make someone else's day easier? What if we worked as hard at loving people as we do at gathering stuff? What if we loved people even when it wasn't the easy or convenient thing to do, even when no one was looking?
Just a thought...

Words.

i cannot write happy smiling words
i may be happy
and smiling
but i cannot write happy smiling words
i write desperate sobbing words
rock bottom face to the floor words
no light at the end of the tunnel
no lemonade from lemons
words
dark and stormy
bleak and disturbing words
because i live in a world of these words
this world is not always a world of happy smiling words
for many people
many times for me
so i write for us
when we can find only one word
-- help --
so that maybe we can find words like
grace
forgiveness
sacrifice
love
His words are happy and smiling words
i hope i can make his words
mine.

The One

she's been here before
this space filled with faces and lists and doing
where silence is absent
noise is her anthem
yet she can hear nothing.
passion makes room for drudgery
romance succumbs to duty
joy is replaced by indifference.
master of to-do lists
capable to do it all
to every face she encounters
to her world
she is the one.

The One
however
does not need her
he WANTS her.
he sees beyond her constantly moving hands
beyond her abilities and her talents and her gifts
beyond what she can do for him
and he sees HER.

me.
you.

he sees beyond what they see
beyond even what we see.
he sees who we are when we have nothing left
the one he created
the one he intended you to be
the one we are when we let go of who we think we need to be
and just
be.

and that is the one he loves.

Jaida's Writing

My daughter (she's 8) and I were talking about creative writing, compared to writing for school ...this is what she wrote. (She gave me permission to share this!)

THE ONE AND ONLY GOD

How powerful he is, the one who created the whole earth, he created things beyond the earth, he created the solar system. He is the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. Everyone should believe in him, and believe that he is the one and only God. He is a mighty, powerful and wonderful God. Don't choose wrong choose right. Don't go to hell go to heaven.
by Jaida

For Jaida

Sweet girl, with eyes a lovely shade of pure

And a smile that causes the sun to shine each day for me

Your existence is not one of mere chance

Each breath you will take has been carefully planned by the One who created you.

The world would be lacking, without you in it

For you offer something that no one else can

You offer

You.

There is purpose in each and every day that you live

You have the power to change the world

If you choose to look beyond yourself

And see the world around you.

You have been created to serve the One who created you,

To serve the ones He has created

To live a life of love and hope and joy

You have been created to live.

So choose today to be the day

that you truly choose to live.

strength...

I can’t take anymore
The anger is building
I’m out of control
I yell and I scream
I throw myself down
I’m on the ground
Face to the floor
I lie alone with my tears
Darkness all around

His hand is on the small of my back
In his touch
I feel strength
Gentleness
Love and
Sadness
He says soft words
Words of understanding
Words of encouragement
As if he has seen into my soul
To the very message I was longing to hear

He is my best friend
The best friend
He is my helpmate
My husband
God comes near
Through his strong hand
Through his embrace
The place
I would rather be
The place
Where I feel safe

He is what I want
What I’ve never wanted
More than I’ve ever wanted
He is what I need.

The day...

I remember the day I decided to leave him. It was summer, a warm day, with a gentle breeze. I sat on the porch for about an hour, holding my little girl, so small and peaceful, watching the neighbors mow their grass and play catch. The mood was relaxed and it seemed that heaven was all around.

I heard the noise coming from inside the house and I tried to ignore it. How could such a perfect day be interrupted by such foolishness? He was home and he wasn’t alone. There were voices I recognized and some that I didn’t. I hoped they would leave before I went inside. They didn’t.

They were there, on my couch, in my kitchen, laughing and yelling and cursing. I greeted them, as politely as I could, and tried not to see what they were doing with the items they pulled from their pockets. Tried not to smell what was lingering in the air. Tried not to know what I knew too well.

I walked downstairs, to keep my baby from the madness. He followed me; he was high, again. He wanted to know why I never stayed with him; why I always wanted to be alone, why I always took our daughter away. We argued, the same words as the day before, the day before, the day before. I looked into his eyes and I saw my daughter. I saw the life that she would lead if I stayed. I felt the fear of life if I left.

I broke free from his gaze and told him I was leaving. He was too high to care; he didn’t put up a fight. As I walked out of the house, with a bag of clothing and diapers, a breeze fell across my face. It was the most gentle breeze, as if someone’s soft fingers had swept across my cheek, wiping away my tears.

That was the day I said goodbye to the one I knew, to surrender to the One who knew me.

A simple reminder.

Laughing and joking and smiling all day
No greater joy than a friend coming to play
The world was made for me alone
No harm meant for me in any unknown

Years later the unknown became too well known
My smile not as evident, more time spent alone
Longing for the safety of my younger years,
Looking for love in anyone near

A hardened heart and a cynical mind
A reflection of innocence left behind
Regret of opportunities missed and opportunities taken
Places I’ve never seen and too many places that I had been

I pause and look into the reflection
The same person I’ve been since the moment of conception
The person I’ve become through the mud and the dirt
Is the person I was before all the work

He created me to be the person I am
The person he created by his holy hand
I need to appreciate who it was that made me
for everything He does, He does perfectly.