strength...

I can’t take anymore
The anger is building
I’m out of control
I yell and I scream
I throw myself down
I’m on the ground
Face to the floor
I lie alone with my tears
Darkness all around

His hand is on the small of my back
In his touch
I feel strength
Gentleness
Love and
Sadness
He says soft words
Words of understanding
Words of encouragement
As if he has seen into my soul
To the very message I was longing to hear

He is my best friend
The best friend
He is my helpmate
My husband
God comes near
Through his strong hand
Through his embrace
The place
I would rather be
The place
Where I feel safe

He is what I want
What I’ve never wanted
More than I’ve ever wanted
He is what I need.

The day...

I remember the day I decided to leave him. It was summer, a warm day, with a gentle breeze. I sat on the porch for about an hour, holding my little girl, so small and peaceful, watching the neighbors mow their grass and play catch. The mood was relaxed and it seemed that heaven was all around.

I heard the noise coming from inside the house and I tried to ignore it. How could such a perfect day be interrupted by such foolishness? He was home and he wasn’t alone. There were voices I recognized and some that I didn’t. I hoped they would leave before I went inside. They didn’t.

They were there, on my couch, in my kitchen, laughing and yelling and cursing. I greeted them, as politely as I could, and tried not to see what they were doing with the items they pulled from their pockets. Tried not to smell what was lingering in the air. Tried not to know what I knew too well.

I walked downstairs, to keep my baby from the madness. He followed me; he was high, again. He wanted to know why I never stayed with him; why I always wanted to be alone, why I always took our daughter away. We argued, the same words as the day before, the day before, the day before. I looked into his eyes and I saw my daughter. I saw the life that she would lead if I stayed. I felt the fear of life if I left.

I broke free from his gaze and told him I was leaving. He was too high to care; he didn’t put up a fight. As I walked out of the house, with a bag of clothing and diapers, a breeze fell across my face. It was the most gentle breeze, as if someone’s soft fingers had swept across my cheek, wiping away my tears.

That was the day I said goodbye to the one I knew, to surrender to the One who knew me.

A simple reminder.

Laughing and joking and smiling all day
No greater joy than a friend coming to play
The world was made for me alone
No harm meant for me in any unknown

Years later the unknown became too well known
My smile not as evident, more time spent alone
Longing for the safety of my younger years,
Looking for love in anyone near

A hardened heart and a cynical mind
A reflection of innocence left behind
Regret of opportunities missed and opportunities taken
Places I’ve never seen and too many places that I had been

I pause and look into the reflection
The same person I’ve been since the moment of conception
The person I’ve become through the mud and the dirt
Is the person I was before all the work

He created me to be the person I am
The person he created by his holy hand
I need to appreciate who it was that made me
for everything He does, He does perfectly.