Trying

I take a few steps and look around ...
I recognize nothing.
Where am I?
How did I get here?
I long for familiarity,
though I have run from it for so long.
I took for granted the daily activities,
the routines...
I traded the known for the unknown
and now I don't know where to go!
Searching for someone, something
that reminds me of where I've been...
I am scared of where I am going.
Everywhere I turn is change,
challenge and movement.
I want to stay still.
I want to chain myself to the comfort of my past.
The future is too big, there are too many possibilities, too many chances...
there are risks and there could be failure and pain.
If I close my eyes and make no movements, I can be ignored...
life will pass me by and I will be safe.
Why is His whisper so LOUD?
Why won't be leave me alone?
NO, God, I do not want to stand up.
I do not want to walk with You.
I do not want to see what you have planned for me.
Just leave me alone.
YES, I do want to stay in this place, alone.
I do want to let someone else do that for me.
I want to be safe, I don't want to take any more chances.
I've been hurt too many times, God.
I've disapointed people and I've disapointed myself.
I've failed.
So, just go whisper to someone else. I give up.
Really.
Just go.
Why aren't you leaving?
Why don't you ever leave?
Why won't you give up on me?
You really won't EVER give up on me?
No matter what?
God, I'm just so scared.
What if I do my best and I'm not enough?
You will be there, though, right?
Always by my side?
You'll give me the strength
wisdom
understanding
that I need?


OK, God, I'll stand up and I'll uncover my eyes and my ears and I'll try.
I'll try.

I cannot express what I am feeling
The words are too hard to say
To write
To think
They should not be arranged in such a way
That it expresses the way I truly feel.

You are everywhere
Where I need you, where I want you, where I can’t see you, where I am…
I want to hide from You, Your perfection, Your holiness.
I want to shield Your eyes from the truth…
You should not see what I do
You should not hear what I say
You should not feel what I feel.
I will keep You from me.
I will protect You.

I cannot express what I am feeling
It should not be conveyed
This thought exists in a place so dark
Even Your light cannot penetrate
Who am I to ask You to meet me where I am?
The Lord of Light, coming to meet me in the depths of despair?
I would never be so brazen and bold.
I would never impose such a request upon You.
Not You.

You are far too holy for me.
You are far too perfect for me.
You are far too good for me.
You are far too loving for me.
You are far too caring for me.

You are here for me.

You are caring.
You are loving.
You are good.
You are perfect.
You are holy.

I cannot express what I am feeling. There are no words.