Trying

I take a few steps and look around ...
I recognize nothing.
Where am I?
How did I get here?
I long for familiarity,
though I have run from it for so long.
I took for granted the daily activities,
the routines...
I traded the known for the unknown
and now I don't know where to go!
Searching for someone, something
that reminds me of where I've been...
I am scared of where I am going.
Everywhere I turn is change,
challenge and movement.
I want to stay still.
I want to chain myself to the comfort of my past.
The future is too big, there are too many possibilities, too many chances...
there are risks and there could be failure and pain.
If I close my eyes and make no movements, I can be ignored...
life will pass me by and I will be safe.
Why is His whisper so LOUD?
Why won't be leave me alone?
NO, God, I do not want to stand up.
I do not want to walk with You.
I do not want to see what you have planned for me.
Just leave me alone.
YES, I do want to stay in this place, alone.
I do want to let someone else do that for me.
I want to be safe, I don't want to take any more chances.
I've been hurt too many times, God.
I've disapointed people and I've disapointed myself.
I've failed.
So, just go whisper to someone else. I give up.
Really.
Just go.
Why aren't you leaving?
Why don't you ever leave?
Why won't you give up on me?
You really won't EVER give up on me?
No matter what?
God, I'm just so scared.
What if I do my best and I'm not enough?
You will be there, though, right?
Always by my side?
You'll give me the strength
wisdom
understanding
that I need?


OK, God, I'll stand up and I'll uncover my eyes and my ears and I'll try.
I'll try.