writing...

I found a box of journals from my late teens/ early 20's. A thought crossed my mind as I was reading them -- I wonder if I will ever write for myself again. I wrote out of necessity. I wrote because I was angry and lost and desperate and alone. The writing itself typically sucked, but it was real. There have been comments on some of my blog posts about transparency and vulnerability in my writing, but really, I haven't written with either. I am so guarded, all the time. Even when I am revealing something about myself that is private and personal, it is on my terms. I determine what I reveal and I do so in whatever way I think might produce the reaction I desire.

My journals reflect my journey towards Christ. At first it was raw, emotional, personal, real. Then, the more I tried to become who He created me to be, the more my writing seems to have been written by someone else. And then my writing just stopped. Anything I write now seems edited, even though I never edit. I've lost myself in the search for myself, in the search for who I think God is.

I am absolutely confident in the fact that the person God designed me to be is more myself than the myself I am trying to become. Yet, I hold back. I keep everyone at a distance. I keep life at a distance. I've been on this journey for years and years and I still have no idea how to do it. I am walking but I'm stopping and second-guessing and back-tracking.

I can't be real because I don't know who the real me is. I've spent so much time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be, I don't know who I was or am or will be. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who God wants me to be. I don't know how to relax and allow myself to be who I am.

And really, who cares? I mean, I spend all this time worrying about who I am...instead of what I do. When I am gone from this place, I want people to remember me because I helped them, I loved them, I listened to them and showed God to them. What is this obsession with finding who I am?? I am Lauren. I am this person sitting on this bed typing these words. What is it that I'm even looking for? A title, a label?