strength...

I can’t take anymore
The anger is building
I’m out of control
I yell and I scream
I throw myself down
I’m on the ground
Face to the floor
I lie alone with my tears
Darkness all around

His hand is on the small of my back
In his touch
I feel strength
Gentleness
Love and
Sadness
He says soft words
Words of understanding
Words of encouragement
As if he has seen into my soul
To the very message I was longing to hear

He is my best friend
The best friend
He is my helpmate
My husband
God comes near
Through his strong hand
Through his embrace
The place
I would rather be
The place
Where I feel safe

He is what I want
What I’ve never wanted
More than I’ve ever wanted
He is what I need.

The day...

I remember the day I decided to leave him. It was summer, a warm day, with a gentle breeze. I sat on the porch for about an hour, holding my little girl, so small and peaceful, watching the neighbors mow their grass and play catch. The mood was relaxed and it seemed that heaven was all around.

I heard the noise coming from inside the house and I tried to ignore it. How could such a perfect day be interrupted by such foolishness? He was home and he wasn’t alone. There were voices I recognized and some that I didn’t. I hoped they would leave before I went inside. They didn’t.

They were there, on my couch, in my kitchen, laughing and yelling and cursing. I greeted them, as politely as I could, and tried not to see what they were doing with the items they pulled from their pockets. Tried not to smell what was lingering in the air. Tried not to know what I knew too well.

I walked downstairs, to keep my baby from the madness. He followed me; he was high, again. He wanted to know why I never stayed with him; why I always wanted to be alone, why I always took our daughter away. We argued, the same words as the day before, the day before, the day before. I looked into his eyes and I saw my daughter. I saw the life that she would lead if I stayed. I felt the fear of life if I left.

I broke free from his gaze and told him I was leaving. He was too high to care; he didn’t put up a fight. As I walked out of the house, with a bag of clothing and diapers, a breeze fell across my face. It was the most gentle breeze, as if someone’s soft fingers had swept across my cheek, wiping away my tears.

That was the day I said goodbye to the one I knew, to surrender to the One who knew me.

A simple reminder.

Laughing and joking and smiling all day
No greater joy than a friend coming to play
The world was made for me alone
No harm meant for me in any unknown

Years later the unknown became too well known
My smile not as evident, more time spent alone
Longing for the safety of my younger years,
Looking for love in anyone near

A hardened heart and a cynical mind
A reflection of innocence left behind
Regret of opportunities missed and opportunities taken
Places I’ve never seen and too many places that I had been

I pause and look into the reflection
The same person I’ve been since the moment of conception
The person I’ve become through the mud and the dirt
Is the person I was before all the work

He created me to be the person I am
The person he created by his holy hand
I need to appreciate who it was that made me
for everything He does, He does perfectly.

she approaches life with caution
every step carefully thought out and planned
always aware of mines waiting to explode
and thorny vines longing to entrap her.
every spoken word analyzed,
considered an insult until properly determined otherwise.
it is a life she knows is not worth living
she has now simply accepted
the dark cloud that resides above her.
she cannot overcome her fear.
her mind drifts and wanders
into the dark space that he has created for her.
he fills her mind with thoughts of things
too awful to even mention.
she watches the images of evil
parading through her mind
but she cannot stop them.
she is a slave to his power.
“just stop thinking those things,
take control of your mind”
the voices on the outside tell her.
her grip on her own sanity
is growing weaker.
she feels incompetent
that she cannot control her own mind.
he has taken control;
she has given him control.
she must fight…
she will fight…
she WILL conquer…
she will…
she is…
Tired.

I believe. Help me with my unbelief.

Sinking into the depths of unbelief
Gasping for the breath that will set me free
I’ve fallen into the evil trap
Of believing just enough
Believing in the believable
not truly trusting the unbelievable
yet what is God, if not unbelievable?
what power would He possess,
if the power could be understood
or controlled by
me?
What freedom am I granting Him
In my life
When I am shackled by doubt
Self-doubt and God-doubt and people-doubt…
Staring at the same hindrances
For years
Wondering what affliction I must have
That after prayer
And tears
And desire,
These hindrances are still here
Knowing that healing should have begun
Long ago
Like an ant working his whole life
To move a building…
Eventually he must give up
For the task is simply
Unbelievable.
Yet do I not have
A power
Than an ant cannot claim?
If my hindrance is a hindrance
In the sight of the Lord
Do I not have the power
I need to free myself from that curse?
I do have the power
To free myself…
All I have needed to do
All along
Is to believe.

Fruit of the Spirit

“But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

When I think about
the kind of person I want to be
the words that enter my mind are ...
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control

For so long,
I distanced myself
from you...
denying any similarities
in an attempt
to create my own identity
apart from you or anyone else.

Though when I think of the person that you are,
the words that enter my mind are
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Thank you for being an example of Jesus in my life.
i love you, mom : )

The world.

The world is so large
and untouchable
until it becomes real.
Sometimes the world
lives inside of you
moving and growing and being.

It's as if God took the entire world
and placed it into the 2 inches
growing inside of me.
As if suddenly,
what had no meaning
suddenly meant everything.

Who am I to have such an honor
such a responsibility
again?
Was anyone watching
what I did
the first time?

Yet, in the moments of peace
the moments of just being,
I feel joy.
Joy and contentment and excitement,
fear and anxiety and concern
every emotion in the world, inside of my world.

The world is growing
inside of me.