The Working World.

This is really over-dramatic. My boss was being a jerk so I wrote this.

He comes into the room
My stomach is in knots
I am tense
My eyes fill before he even speaks
His words pierce my soul
They break my spirit
He leaves before he knows the damage he’s caused
Or worse, perhaps he leaves with a full understanding.

The joy that was mine
Has been suffocated
He has stolen it for his own.

Passion and energy that I once possessed
What seems a lifetime ago
Sneak into my mind and I remember
I remember the unfiltered thoughts
And the ignored warnings from logic
The passion, the energy
I remember them well
They were undirected and foolish, of course
I remember them.

The joy that was mine
Has been suffocated
He has stolen it for his own.

Lost.

Where do I go from here?
I am walking, timidly, slowly,
Through this black space
I can’t see in front of me
Behind
Near or far
I see a black empty space
Where do I go?
Which direction do I choose
When they all seem to lead to nowhere
Or even worse, somewhere
Some unknown somewhere
I cannot know where to go
Unless I know where I am
I thought I knew
I thought I could see
Now I hear and I think and I imagine
But I cannot see
So where do I go from here?
I make a choice and I wait
I wait for the consequence, the result, the outcome
But there is nothing
Black
Dark
Empty
I am lost.
I must have been lost for a long time
But I just realized my position today
I now have a full appreciation
For my situation
I am lost.
The map I was following
Turned out to be a circle
I am where I started
No progress, no gold at the end of the rainbow
Just a circle,
Leading me to where I began.
And so I sit.
I wonder.
I dream.
I wait
To find out where I go from here.

You. (me)

I look into the mirror
Into stranger’s eyes
Into the expanse of the sky.
I look in the rhythm of a song
The words of a poet
The embrace of my love.
I look
And I look
Yet I cannot see You.
I know you are there
Here, with me, around me,
In me.
Yet I cannot see You.
I know of You.
I know about You.
I want to see You.
I long to live my life for You.

(I am captivated
By me.
I sing praises
To me.
I live my life
For me.
It’s not about You,
It’s all about me. )

I want to see You.
(me)
I long to live my life for You.
(me)

I look for You.
I do not see You.
When I look,
I see me.
I look for me.

Trying

I take a few steps and look around ...
I recognize nothing.
Where am I?
How did I get here?
I long for familiarity,
though I have run from it for so long.
I took for granted the daily activities,
the routines...
I traded the known for the unknown
and now I don't know where to go!
Searching for someone, something
that reminds me of where I've been...
I am scared of where I am going.
Everywhere I turn is change,
challenge and movement.
I want to stay still.
I want to chain myself to the comfort of my past.
The future is too big, there are too many possibilities, too many chances...
there are risks and there could be failure and pain.
If I close my eyes and make no movements, I can be ignored...
life will pass me by and I will be safe.
Why is His whisper so LOUD?
Why won't be leave me alone?
NO, God, I do not want to stand up.
I do not want to walk with You.
I do not want to see what you have planned for me.
Just leave me alone.
YES, I do want to stay in this place, alone.
I do want to let someone else do that for me.
I want to be safe, I don't want to take any more chances.
I've been hurt too many times, God.
I've disapointed people and I've disapointed myself.
I've failed.
So, just go whisper to someone else. I give up.
Really.
Just go.
Why aren't you leaving?
Why don't you ever leave?
Why won't you give up on me?
You really won't EVER give up on me?
No matter what?
God, I'm just so scared.
What if I do my best and I'm not enough?
You will be there, though, right?
Always by my side?
You'll give me the strength
wisdom
understanding
that I need?


OK, God, I'll stand up and I'll uncover my eyes and my ears and I'll try.
I'll try.

I cannot express what I am feeling
The words are too hard to say
To write
To think
They should not be arranged in such a way
That it expresses the way I truly feel.

You are everywhere
Where I need you, where I want you, where I can’t see you, where I am…
I want to hide from You, Your perfection, Your holiness.
I want to shield Your eyes from the truth…
You should not see what I do
You should not hear what I say
You should not feel what I feel.
I will keep You from me.
I will protect You.

I cannot express what I am feeling
It should not be conveyed
This thought exists in a place so dark
Even Your light cannot penetrate
Who am I to ask You to meet me where I am?
The Lord of Light, coming to meet me in the depths of despair?
I would never be so brazen and bold.
I would never impose such a request upon You.
Not You.

You are far too holy for me.
You are far too perfect for me.
You are far too good for me.
You are far too loving for me.
You are far too caring for me.

You are here for me.

You are caring.
You are loving.
You are good.
You are perfect.
You are holy.

I cannot express what I am feeling. There are no words.

Impact.

i arrive at her home,
expecting to stay but a few minutes and then go.
i have things to do and i don't know her well,
i will sit for a few moments to be polite.
she struggles to find words, she does not speak my language,
i struggle to find meaning in what she says.
suddenly the words begin to make sense,
her intentions are clear.
we smile and begin a dialogue,
a conversation orchestrated by her Father, my Father, our Father.
she moves about the kitchen, making food from her home, the land she calls Home,
she sings songs to me that are familiar, yet I don't know the words.
we communicate through broken phrases and wild gestures,
we communicate.
she offers me a peek into the small part of the world that is hers,
and the small part of the world that is mine will never be the same.
_______________________________________________

This probably won't make much sense to anyone else, but we visited the home of a family from the Dominican Republic over the weekend and I wanted to write about it : )

Her.

I watch for her, I'm always watching for her...
I think about her all of the time...
when will I see her again?
a glimpse here or there is all i've really seen so far...
she is always hiding...
i think she's scared.
if only she could see herself, the way i see her...
i love the way she thinks of others before herself,
the subtle way she lets someone know they matter...
she jokes around with her daughter,
she makes her husband feel like the luckiest man in the world...
i see the way her mom confides in her, like she's her very best friend...
and the sparkle in her father's eye when she calls him daddy...
people feel like they can be themselves around her...
they feel loved and special and they laugh and they smile...
but me, well, it's different for me...
my selfishness, it's suffocating...
the way i get angry at every little thing...
my daughter, she runs away if she does something bad;
she knows i'm going to yell again...
my husband, the poor guy, he takes the brunt of my bad days...
my mom, she loves me, i know she does, but sometimes i wonder why...
i don't even know what to say to my father, it's always so awkward...
i wish i were more like Her...
i want to be like that...
the woman that God intended me to be ...
i want to be her.