where he doesn't belong.

raised hands and frozen faces
handshakes and pleasantries
plates of money and broken bread
flawless music and words of wisdom
watches set and tapped upon

one more sunday down, success again

broken hearts
and screaming minds
anger and frustration
doubt and disappointment
emotional confessions welcome vulnerability

people say someone caught a glimpse of jesus

walls may crumble
numbers may fall
songs might not sound so pretty
kids might yell instead of whisper
they might dance when they should be still

what's he doing here, anyway?

thoughts on marriage...

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.

I have been a huge fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 since the beginning, especially after I found out they were "neighbors". I saw the fighting and the harsh way that Kate sometimes talked to Jon, but I also saw the way they joked with each other and how Kate lit up when Jon said something clever or sweet. It seemed to me that they understood each other in a way that no one else could and that there was a deep level of respect between them. Maybe they just had really talented producers on the show that were able to portray this to gullible viewers like me, but I don't really believe that. I think that they absolutely have what it takes to mend the marriage and to fully glorify God in the process. I'm praying for it.

My friends from church just got married last weekend. They are a fantastic couple who both seem individually secure in themselves, and unstoppable when together. That is the beauty of marriage, especially when the couple's desire is to glorify God with it. God moves and works in all of us and can do unfathomably awesome things through our lives, but two surrendered people are a force to be reckoned with.

Jamie and I have been married for 2 years and I am amazed at how my understanding of marriage has grown in that short amount of time. I have more respect for Jamie as my husband than I've ever had for anyone. I don't think that a few years ago I would have imagined that I would rather spend an hour in Home Depot with my husband than absolutely anything else without him. In every other relationship I have been in, I gave of myself and took of them, and when it was over I had absolutely no idea who I was or who I should be. I now can give completely of myself, take of him and come out more myself than I was before, and more of who I've always wanted to become.

I know that many marriages are not the safety net that I live in. In fact, many are true battle grounds. I am beyond blessed. I wish that everyone could experience what I've been given. I believe that it is worth wanting, working towards and spending years praying for.

surrender...and not.

we do what we want to do and then it becomes what we have to do 

i don't want to do it anymore

what i loved has turned corporate

heartless

i'm wearing a suit and i miss my pajamas

i miss my fear of the unknown

i miss the struggle

i want to rely on you again

i don't rely on you

but yesterday i laid myself down

face to the floor

again

finally

because i could not lift my head any longer

i had to admit defeat

again

finally

the tears fell

i was cleansed

freedom

and so i pulled myself up

and stood

on my own

and swore i would admit defeat to no one

so here i am

falling

on my face

again

finally...

what happens after too much nick jr.

well, now...it's been a while.

i feel like i've been living in a hole and i've finally poked my head out. like the groundhog. i'm saying it's no more weeks of winter. no more minutes of winter. i've had enough. weather winter and emotional winter. hmmmm, no it hasn't even been winter emotionally. it's been like hibernation. no, that's not it either. forget the weather. it's just a hole. i'm in a hole and i see the people that live in my hole and i do the things that you can do in a hole and i've even ventured out from my hole at times but everything is about the hole and the hole calls and the people that live in the hole come with me when i leave the hole so it's not like i am even really leaving the hole and even when i am out of the hole i feel like i should be in the hole because that is who i am now.

right. i guess i am saying that i am still getting used to this stay-at-home momma thing. i love it, i don't want to not be doing it. i'm looking for balance. i want to be the super great mom and also be a super great something other than mom. or not even super great. how about fulfilled something other than mom? or maybe i need to find a whole different outlook. maybe i need to see the super great mom as the important responsibility that it is. well, then i will just get overwhelmed and claim my resume does not find me qualified for the job. does that leave daddy in charge? uh-oh. pb&j every day! guess i better just spend more time in prayer than in front of the tv. what is monetize? oh, i see. ads. hm. so, i guess the problem is that i really want to start writing again as a way to find my inner super great/ fulfilled something other than mom, but my every day material is pretty mom-like. i can always dig deep into the depths of my past but then people think i'm depressed and become all concerned about me. i could write about flowers and beetles and sunsets. i really don't even like flowers. i do think it's pretty cool that my mom put some food coloring in a vase of dandelions that haven't opened yet and apparently they will become red now instead of yellow. that's sweet. but i don't know what rhymes with dandelions. the good news is that during the whole time i've typed this little mess i have heard no crying at all. god is good. i'll have to try this again tomorrow...

What If?

I'm sitting at my computer desk typing away on a project for work when my six-month old starts crying. Now, it's only been an hour since I put her in her crib for nighty-night time and this is the third time she's cried. Evie is not the best sleeper in the world (she wakes up a couple of times each night) but she does go to sleep on a regular schedule at bedtime. I expect it. I count on the hours between her bedtime and my bedtime to be mine. My time for work, my time for quiet, my time for dishes and laundry and picking up dirty socks off the floor. So, by the third time I hear her cry I find myself irritated as I walk to her room. I've tried rubbing her back, giving her another bottle, replacing the paci, making those calming shushing sounds and even letting her "cry it out". This time I ignore the "don't pick her up" warnings from well-meaning doctors and moms and I pick her up. Her little hands grab my cheeks, pull my face to hers and she starts sucking on my nose. She is so relieved to be in mommy's arms, she wants mommy as physically close to her as possible. So, I hold her. I rock her. I love on her. And she falls fast asleep. She just needed to know that I remembered her and I still loved her. I put her in her crib and watched her sleep. The thought crossed my mind, what if our goal in life, our sole purpose was to love? To love God and to love people with as much fervor as my little girl loves me. What if our jobs, deadlines, chores, plans and expectations were secondary to our focus on loving others more than ourselves? Or better yet, what if they were opportunities for us to love others? What if every time my baby cried I viewed it as an opportunity to show her love, instead of time away from things I wanted to get done? And when my eight year old disobeys me, what if I saw that as an opportunity to show her grace, forgiveness and wisdom? What if we went to work with smiles on our faces every day and went out of our way to make someone else's day easier? What if we worked as hard at loving people as we do at gathering stuff? What if we loved people even when it wasn't the easy or convenient thing to do, even when no one was looking?
Just a thought...

Words.

i cannot write happy smiling words
i may be happy
and smiling
but i cannot write happy smiling words
i write desperate sobbing words
rock bottom face to the floor words
no light at the end of the tunnel
no lemonade from lemons
words
dark and stormy
bleak and disturbing words
because i live in a world of these words
this world is not always a world of happy smiling words
for many people
many times for me
so i write for us
when we can find only one word
-- help --
so that maybe we can find words like
grace
forgiveness
sacrifice
love
His words are happy and smiling words
i hope i can make his words
mine.

The One

she's been here before
this space filled with faces and lists and doing
where silence is absent
noise is her anthem
yet she can hear nothing.
passion makes room for drudgery
romance succumbs to duty
joy is replaced by indifference.
master of to-do lists
capable to do it all
to every face she encounters
to her world
she is the one.

The One
however
does not need her
he WANTS her.
he sees beyond her constantly moving hands
beyond her abilities and her talents and her gifts
beyond what she can do for him
and he sees HER.

me.
you.

he sees beyond what they see
beyond even what we see.
he sees who we are when we have nothing left
the one he created
the one he intended you to be
the one we are when we let go of who we think we need to be
and just
be.

and that is the one he loves.