surrender...and not.

we do what we want to do and then it becomes what we have to do 

i don't want to do it anymore

what i loved has turned corporate

heartless

i'm wearing a suit and i miss my pajamas

i miss my fear of the unknown

i miss the struggle

i want to rely on you again

i don't rely on you

but yesterday i laid myself down

face to the floor

again

finally

because i could not lift my head any longer

i had to admit defeat

again

finally

the tears fell

i was cleansed

freedom

and so i pulled myself up

and stood

on my own

and swore i would admit defeat to no one

so here i am

falling

on my face

again

finally...

what happens after too much nick jr.

well, now...it's been a while.

i feel like i've been living in a hole and i've finally poked my head out. like the groundhog. i'm saying it's no more weeks of winter. no more minutes of winter. i've had enough. weather winter and emotional winter. hmmmm, no it hasn't even been winter emotionally. it's been like hibernation. no, that's not it either. forget the weather. it's just a hole. i'm in a hole and i see the people that live in my hole and i do the things that you can do in a hole and i've even ventured out from my hole at times but everything is about the hole and the hole calls and the people that live in the hole come with me when i leave the hole so it's not like i am even really leaving the hole and even when i am out of the hole i feel like i should be in the hole because that is who i am now.

right. i guess i am saying that i am still getting used to this stay-at-home momma thing. i love it, i don't want to not be doing it. i'm looking for balance. i want to be the super great mom and also be a super great something other than mom. or not even super great. how about fulfilled something other than mom? or maybe i need to find a whole different outlook. maybe i need to see the super great mom as the important responsibility that it is. well, then i will just get overwhelmed and claim my resume does not find me qualified for the job. does that leave daddy in charge? uh-oh. pb&j every day! guess i better just spend more time in prayer than in front of the tv. what is monetize? oh, i see. ads. hm. so, i guess the problem is that i really want to start writing again as a way to find my inner super great/ fulfilled something other than mom, but my every day material is pretty mom-like. i can always dig deep into the depths of my past but then people think i'm depressed and become all concerned about me. i could write about flowers and beetles and sunsets. i really don't even like flowers. i do think it's pretty cool that my mom put some food coloring in a vase of dandelions that haven't opened yet and apparently they will become red now instead of yellow. that's sweet. but i don't know what rhymes with dandelions. the good news is that during the whole time i've typed this little mess i have heard no crying at all. god is good. i'll have to try this again tomorrow...

What If?

I'm sitting at my computer desk typing away on a project for work when my six-month old starts crying. Now, it's only been an hour since I put her in her crib for nighty-night time and this is the third time she's cried. Evie is not the best sleeper in the world (she wakes up a couple of times each night) but she does go to sleep on a regular schedule at bedtime. I expect it. I count on the hours between her bedtime and my bedtime to be mine. My time for work, my time for quiet, my time for dishes and laundry and picking up dirty socks off the floor. So, by the third time I hear her cry I find myself irritated as I walk to her room. I've tried rubbing her back, giving her another bottle, replacing the paci, making those calming shushing sounds and even letting her "cry it out". This time I ignore the "don't pick her up" warnings from well-meaning doctors and moms and I pick her up. Her little hands grab my cheeks, pull my face to hers and she starts sucking on my nose. She is so relieved to be in mommy's arms, she wants mommy as physically close to her as possible. So, I hold her. I rock her. I love on her. And she falls fast asleep. She just needed to know that I remembered her and I still loved her. I put her in her crib and watched her sleep. The thought crossed my mind, what if our goal in life, our sole purpose was to love? To love God and to love people with as much fervor as my little girl loves me. What if our jobs, deadlines, chores, plans and expectations were secondary to our focus on loving others more than ourselves? Or better yet, what if they were opportunities for us to love others? What if every time my baby cried I viewed it as an opportunity to show her love, instead of time away from things I wanted to get done? And when my eight year old disobeys me, what if I saw that as an opportunity to show her grace, forgiveness and wisdom? What if we went to work with smiles on our faces every day and went out of our way to make someone else's day easier? What if we worked as hard at loving people as we do at gathering stuff? What if we loved people even when it wasn't the easy or convenient thing to do, even when no one was looking?
Just a thought...

Words.

i cannot write happy smiling words
i may be happy
and smiling
but i cannot write happy smiling words
i write desperate sobbing words
rock bottom face to the floor words
no light at the end of the tunnel
no lemonade from lemons
words
dark and stormy
bleak and disturbing words
because i live in a world of these words
this world is not always a world of happy smiling words
for many people
many times for me
so i write for us
when we can find only one word
-- help --
so that maybe we can find words like
grace
forgiveness
sacrifice
love
His words are happy and smiling words
i hope i can make his words
mine.

The One

she's been here before
this space filled with faces and lists and doing
where silence is absent
noise is her anthem
yet she can hear nothing.
passion makes room for drudgery
romance succumbs to duty
joy is replaced by indifference.
master of to-do lists
capable to do it all
to every face she encounters
to her world
she is the one.

The One
however
does not need her
he WANTS her.
he sees beyond her constantly moving hands
beyond her abilities and her talents and her gifts
beyond what she can do for him
and he sees HER.

me.
you.

he sees beyond what they see
beyond even what we see.
he sees who we are when we have nothing left
the one he created
the one he intended you to be
the one we are when we let go of who we think we need to be
and just
be.

and that is the one he loves.

Jaida's Writing

My daughter (she's 8) and I were talking about creative writing, compared to writing for school ...this is what she wrote. (She gave me permission to share this!)

THE ONE AND ONLY GOD

How powerful he is, the one who created the whole earth, he created things beyond the earth, he created the solar system. He is the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. Everyone should believe in him, and believe that he is the one and only God. He is a mighty, powerful and wonderful God. Don't choose wrong choose right. Don't go to hell go to heaven.
by Jaida

For Jaida

Sweet girl, with eyes a lovely shade of pure

And a smile that causes the sun to shine each day for me

Your existence is not one of mere chance

Each breath you will take has been carefully planned by the One who created you.

The world would be lacking, without you in it

For you offer something that no one else can

You offer

You.

There is purpose in each and every day that you live

You have the power to change the world

If you choose to look beyond yourself

And see the world around you.

You have been created to serve the One who created you,

To serve the ones He has created

To live a life of love and hope and joy

You have been created to live.

So choose today to be the day

that you truly choose to live.