this place.

dark room, dark night, dark thoughts, dark deeds

solitude, sole responsibility

seven thousand miles, seventeen days

definitive end, possible beginning

yet, this

this time of days and minutes and hours and years

these unknown moments

stir up unmatched, inconceivable, undeniable ... fear.

peaceful memories

family

friends closer than family

challenge and fulfillment

respect and love

this place where we belong

this place we become strong

this place we know

this place where we grow

never heard your voice so clear

"the time has come...

the end is near"

good-byes uttered

without understanding

without explanations

that leave ends neatly tied

tears shed

with shaking heads

questions asked

without resolution

only this absolute

you speak

we listen

we wait

for a

place where we belong

place to become strong

place we know

place where we grow

the question was posed.
i waited.
the answer is still unknown.
did i miss it?
did i hear it and ignore it?
can you just say it again?
louder this time?
i don't know what you want me to do.
i don't even know what i want to do.
another day, another day, another day...
this can't be it.
there has to be more.
i've come to the end but i can't see the next beginning.
i see other people's beginnings, but not my own.
i see the tv.
i see my own reflection.
i see her and him and them and it.
i don't see You.
i haven't seen you in a long time.
have i been looking?
i'm looking now.
i still don't see you.
not for me...

writing...

I found a box of journals from my late teens/ early 20's. A thought crossed my mind as I was reading them -- I wonder if I will ever write for myself again. I wrote out of necessity. I wrote because I was angry and lost and desperate and alone. The writing itself typically sucked, but it was real. There have been comments on some of my blog posts about transparency and vulnerability in my writing, but really, I haven't written with either. I am so guarded, all the time. Even when I am revealing something about myself that is private and personal, it is on my terms. I determine what I reveal and I do so in whatever way I think might produce the reaction I desire.

My journals reflect my journey towards Christ. At first it was raw, emotional, personal, real. Then, the more I tried to become who He created me to be, the more my writing seems to have been written by someone else. And then my writing just stopped. Anything I write now seems edited, even though I never edit. I've lost myself in the search for myself, in the search for who I think God is.

I am absolutely confident in the fact that the person God designed me to be is more myself than the myself I am trying to become. Yet, I hold back. I keep everyone at a distance. I keep life at a distance. I've been on this journey for years and years and I still have no idea how to do it. I am walking but I'm stopping and second-guessing and back-tracking.

I can't be real because I don't know who the real me is. I've spent so much time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be, I don't know who I was or am or will be. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who God wants me to be. I don't know how to relax and allow myself to be who I am.

And really, who cares? I mean, I spend all this time worrying about who I am...instead of what I do. When I am gone from this place, I want people to remember me because I helped them, I loved them, I listened to them and showed God to them. What is this obsession with finding who I am?? I am Lauren. I am this person sitting on this bed typing these words. What is it that I'm even looking for? A title, a label?

Hesitant steps...

She walks slowly, hesitant steps, embarrassed glances...furrowed eyebrows, doubt etched into her face.
She stands silently at the foot of the cross. She waits, wondering if the reality could live up to the hype.
She looks at her feet, not ready to raise her eyes. The doubt that has kept her from this place has become her hope. The possibility of this place has kept her from giving up, but now, she knows at the moment she looks up, she will know if it's real.
She shivers at the thought of an empty cross. All hope for something beyond what she can see, for something that means something, for something that can make everything OK, would be gone.
But she has to know. So, she looks.
Her heart shatters, the tears roll down her face. No!
It can't be.
No one hangs on the cross.
There is nothing.
Just three rusty nails.
His hand touches her shoulder.
Child, I was on that cross for just a moment.
Just a moment in time to take all of your doubt, your mistakes, your anger, your addictions, your pain.
I only needed to be here for a moment.
I am where you are. I go where you go. I go where you've been. And I go where you will go.
So, spend a moment here, absorbing the magnitude and depth of my love for you. But, just a moment.
I have plans for you.
I love you, as you are, and as you will become.
You are my beloved, a child of the King.
Now, stand up, shake off the dust, and follow me.

where he doesn't belong.

raised hands and frozen faces
handshakes and pleasantries
plates of money and broken bread
flawless music and words of wisdom
watches set and tapped upon

one more sunday down, success again

broken hearts
and screaming minds
anger and frustration
doubt and disappointment
emotional confessions welcome vulnerability

people say someone caught a glimpse of jesus

walls may crumble
numbers may fall
songs might not sound so pretty
kids might yell instead of whisper
they might dance when they should be still

what's he doing here, anyway?

thoughts on marriage...

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.

I have been a huge fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 since the beginning, especially after I found out they were "neighbors". I saw the fighting and the harsh way that Kate sometimes talked to Jon, but I also saw the way they joked with each other and how Kate lit up when Jon said something clever or sweet. It seemed to me that they understood each other in a way that no one else could and that there was a deep level of respect between them. Maybe they just had really talented producers on the show that were able to portray this to gullible viewers like me, but I don't really believe that. I think that they absolutely have what it takes to mend the marriage and to fully glorify God in the process. I'm praying for it.

My friends from church just got married last weekend. They are a fantastic couple who both seem individually secure in themselves, and unstoppable when together. That is the beauty of marriage, especially when the couple's desire is to glorify God with it. God moves and works in all of us and can do unfathomably awesome things through our lives, but two surrendered people are a force to be reckoned with.

Jamie and I have been married for 2 years and I am amazed at how my understanding of marriage has grown in that short amount of time. I have more respect for Jamie as my husband than I've ever had for anyone. I don't think that a few years ago I would have imagined that I would rather spend an hour in Home Depot with my husband than absolutely anything else without him. In every other relationship I have been in, I gave of myself and took of them, and when it was over I had absolutely no idea who I was or who I should be. I now can give completely of myself, take of him and come out more myself than I was before, and more of who I've always wanted to become.

I know that many marriages are not the safety net that I live in. In fact, many are true battle grounds. I am beyond blessed. I wish that everyone could experience what I've been given. I believe that it is worth wanting, working towards and spending years praying for.

surrender...and not.

we do what we want to do and then it becomes what we have to do 

i don't want to do it anymore

what i loved has turned corporate

heartless

i'm wearing a suit and i miss my pajamas

i miss my fear of the unknown

i miss the struggle

i want to rely on you again

i don't rely on you

but yesterday i laid myself down

face to the floor

again

finally

because i could not lift my head any longer

i had to admit defeat

again

finally

the tears fell

i was cleansed

freedom

and so i pulled myself up

and stood

on my own

and swore i would admit defeat to no one

so here i am

falling

on my face

again

finally...