my identity in you

this place.

2011-10-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

dark room, dark night, dark thoughts, dark deeds

solitude, sole responsibility

seven thousand miles, seventeen days

definitive end, possible beginning

yet, this

this time of days and minutes and hours and years

these unknown moments

stir up unmatched, inconceivable, undeniable ... fear.

peaceful memories

family

friends closer than family

challenge and fulfillment

respect and love

this place where we belong

this place we become strong

this place we know

this place where we grow

never heard your voice so clear

"the time has come...

the end is near"

good-byes uttered

without understanding

without explanations

that leave ends neatly tied

tears shed

with shaking heads

questions asked

without resolution

only this absolute

you speak

we listen

we wait

for a

place where we belong

place to become strong

place we know

place where we grow

2009-12-15T17:45:00.000-08:00

the question was posed.
i waited.
the answer is still unknown.
did i miss it?
did i hear it and ignore it?
can you just say it again?
louder this time?
i don't know what you want me to do.
i don't even know what i want to do.
another day, another day, another day...
this can't be it.
there has to be more.
i've come to the end but i can't see the next beginning.
i see other people's beginnings, but not my own.
i see the tv.
i see my own reflection.
i see her and him and them and it.
i don't see You.
i haven't seen you in a long time.
have i been looking?
i'm looking now.
i still don't see you.
not for me...

writing...

2009-11-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

I found a box of journals from my late teens/ early 20's. A thought crossed my mind as I was reading them -- I wonder if I will ever write for myself again. I wrote out of necessity. I wrote because I was angry and lost and desperate and alone. The writing itself typically sucked, but it was real. There have been comments on some of my blog posts about transparency and vulnerability in my writing, but really, I haven't written with either. I am so guarded, all the time. Even when I am revealing something about myself that is private and personal, it is on my terms. I determine what I reveal and I do so in whatever way I think might produce the reaction I desire.

My journals reflect my journey towards Christ. At first it was raw, emotional, personal, real. Then, the more I tried to become who He created me to be, the more my writing seems to have been written by someone else. And then my writing just stopped. Anything I write now seems edited, even though I never edit. I've lost myself in the search for myself, in the search for who I think God is.

I am absolutely confident in the fact that the person God designed me to be is more myself than the myself I am trying to become. Yet, I hold back. I keep everyone at a distance. I keep life at a distance. I've been on this journey for years and years and I still have no idea how to do it. I am walking but I'm stopping and second-guessing and back-tracking.

I can't be real because I don't know who the real me is. I've spent so much time trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be, I don't know who I was or am or will be. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who God wants me to be. I don't know how to relax and allow myself to be who I am.

And really, who cares? I mean, I spend all this time worrying about who I am...instead of what I do. When I am gone from this place, I want people to remember me because I helped them, I loved them, I listened to them and showed God to them. What is this obsession with finding who I am?? I am Lauren. I am this person sitting on this bed typing these words. What is it that I'm even looking for? A title, a label?

Hesitant steps...

2009-08-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

She walks slowly, hesitant steps, embarrassed glances...furrowed eyebrows, doubt etched into her face.
She stands silently at the foot of the cross. She waits, wondering if the reality could live up to the hype.
She looks at her feet, not ready to raise her eyes. The doubt that has kept her from this place has become her hope. The possibility of this place has kept her from giving up, but now, she knows at the moment she looks up, she will know if it's real.
She shivers at the thought of an empty cross. All hope for something beyond what she can see, for something that means something, for something that can make everything OK, would be gone.
But she has to know. So, she looks.
Her heart shatters, the tears roll down her face. No!
It can't be.
No one hangs on the cross.
There is nothing.
Just three rusty nails.
His hand touches her shoulder.
Child, I was on that cross for just a moment.
Just a moment in time to take all of your doubt, your mistakes, your anger, your addictions, your pain.
I only needed to be here for a moment.
I am where you are. I go where you go. I go where you've been. And I go where you will go.
So, spend a moment here, absorbing the magnitude and depth of my love for you. But, just a moment.
I have plans for you.
I love you, as you are, and as you will become.
You are my beloved, a child of the King.
Now, stand up, shake off the dust, and follow me.

where he doesn't belong.

2009-08-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

raised hands and frozen faces
handshakes and pleasantries
plates of money and broken bread
flawless music and words of wisdom
watches set and tapped upon

one more sunday down, success again

broken hearts
and screaming minds
anger and frustration
doubt and disappointment
emotional confessions welcome vulnerability

people say someone caught a glimpse of jesus

walls may crumble
numbers may fall
songs might not sound so pretty
kids might yell instead of whisper
they might dance when they should be still

what's he doing here, anyway?

thoughts on marriage...

2009-06-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately.

I have been a huge fan of the show Jon & Kate Plus 8 since the beginning, especially after I found out they were "neighbors". I saw the fighting and the harsh way that Kate sometimes talked to Jon, but I also saw the way they joked with each other and how Kate lit up when Jon said something clever or sweet. It seemed to me that they understood each other in a way that no one else could and that there was a deep level of respect between them. Maybe they just had really talented producers on the show that were able to portray this to gullible viewers like me, but I don't really believe that. I think that they absolutely have what it takes to mend the marriage and to fully glorify God in the process. I'm praying for it.

My friends from church just got married last weekend. They are a fantastic couple who both seem individually secure in themselves, and unstoppable when together. That is the beauty of marriage, especially when the couple's desire is to glorify God with it. God moves and works in all of us and can do unfathomably awesome things through our lives, but two surrendered people are a force to be reckoned with.

Jamie and I have been married for 2 years and I am amazed at how my understanding of marriage has grown in that short amount of time. I have more respect for Jamie as my husband than I've ever had for anyone. I don't think that a few years ago I would have imagined that I would rather spend an hour in Home Depot with my husband than absolutely anything else without him. In every other relationship I have been in, I gave of myself and took of them, and when it was over I had absolutely no idea who I was or who I should be. I now can give completely of myself, take of him and come out more myself than I was before, and more of who I've always wanted to become.

I know that many marriages are not the safety net that I live in. In fact, many are true battle grounds. I am beyond blessed. I wish that everyone could experience what I've been given. I believe that it is worth wanting, working towards and spending years praying for.

surrender...and not.

2009-05-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

we do what we want to do and then it becomes what we have to do

i don't want to do it anymore

what i loved has turned corporate

heartless

i'm wearing a suit and i miss my pajamas

i miss my fear of the unknown

i miss the struggle

i want to rely on you again

i don't rely on you

but yesterday i laid myself down

face to the floor

again

finally

because i could not lift my head any longer

i had to admit defeat

again

finally

the tears fell

i was cleansed

freedom

and so i pulled myself up

and stood

on my own

and swore i would admit defeat to no one

so here i am

falling

on my face

again

finally...

what happens after too much nick jr.

2009-03-31T18:49:00.000-07:00

well, now...it's been a while.

i feel like i've been living in a hole and i've finally poked my head out. like the groundhog. i'm saying it's no more weeks of winter. no more minutes of winter. i've had enough. weather winter and emotional winter. hmmmm, no it hasn't even been winter emotionally. it's been like hibernation. no, that's not it either. forget the weather. it's just a hole. i'm in a hole and i see the people that live in my hole and i do the things that you can do in a hole and i've even ventured out from my hole at times but everything is about the hole and the hole calls and the people that live in the hole come with me when i leave the hole so it's not like i am even really leaving the hole and even when i am out of the hole i feel like i should be in the hole because that is who i am now.

right. i guess i am saying that i am still getting used to this stay-at-home momma thing. i love it, i don't want to not be doing it. i'm looking for balance. i want to be the super great mom and also be a super great something other than mom. or not even super great. how about fulfilled something other than mom? or maybe i need to find a whole different outlook. maybe i need to see the super great mom as the important responsibility that it is. well, then i will just get overwhelmed and claim my resume does not find me qualified for the job. does that leave daddy in charge? uh-oh. pb&j every day! guess i better just spend more time in prayer than in front of the tv. what is monetize? oh, i see. ads. hm. so, i guess the problem is that i really want to start writing again as a way to find my inner super great/ fulfilled something other than mom, but my every day material is pretty mom-like. i can always dig deep into the depths of my past but then people think i'm depressed and become all concerned about me. i could write about flowers and beetles and sunsets. i really don't even like flowers. i do think it's pretty cool that my mom put some food coloring in a vase of dandelions that haven't opened yet and apparently they will become red now instead of yellow. that's sweet. but i don't know what rhymes with dandelions. the good news is that during the whole time i've typed this little mess i have heard no crying at all. god is good. i'll have to try this again tomorrow...

What If?

2008-10-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my computer desk typing away on a project for work when my six-month old starts crying. Now, it's only been an hour since I put her in her crib for nighty-night time and this is the third time she's cried. Evie is not the best sleeper in the world (she wakes up a couple of times each night) but she does go to sleep on a regular schedule at bedtime. I expect it. I count on the hours between her bedtime and my bedtime to be mine. My time for work, my time for quiet, my time for dishes and laundry and picking up dirty socks off the floor. So, by the third time I hear her cry I find myself irritated as I walk to her room. I've tried rubbing her back, giving her another bottle, replacing the paci, making those calming shushing sounds and even letting her "cry it out". This time I ignore the "don't pick her up" warnings from well-meaning doctors and moms and I pick her up. Her little hands grab my cheeks, pull my face to hers and she starts sucking on my nose. She is so relieved to be in mommy's arms, she wants mommy as physically close to her as possible. So, I hold her. I rock her. I love on her. And she falls fast asleep. She just needed to know that I remembered her and I still loved her. I put her in her crib and watched her sleep. The thought crossed my mind, what if our goal in life, our sole purpose was to love? To love God and to love people with as much fervor as my little girl loves me. What if our jobs, deadlines, chores, plans and expectations were secondary to our focus on loving others more than ourselves? Or better yet, what if they were opportunities for us to love others? What if every time my baby cried I viewed it as an opportunity to show her love, instead of time away from things I wanted to get done? And when my eight year old disobeys me, what if I saw that as an opportunity to show her grace, forgiveness and wisdom? What if we went to work with smiles on our faces every day and went out of our way to make someone else's day easier? What if we worked as hard at loving people as we do at gathering stuff? What if we loved people even when it wasn't the easy or convenient thing to do, even when no one was looking?
Just a thought...

Words.

2008-10-07T19:23:00.001-07:00

i cannot write happy smiling words
i may be happy
and smiling
but i cannot write happy smiling words
i write desperate sobbing words
rock bottom face to the floor words
no light at the end of the tunnel
no lemonade from lemons
words
dark and stormy
bleak and disturbing words
because i live in a world of these words
this world is not always a world of happy smiling words
for many people
many times for me
so i write for us
when we can find only one word
-- help --
so that maybe we can find words like
grace
forgiveness
sacrifice
love
His words are happy and smiling words
i hope i can make his words
mine.

The One

2008-09-17T06:47:00.000-07:00

she's been here before
this space filled with faces and lists and doing
where silence is absent
noise is her anthem
yet she can hear nothing.
passion makes room for drudgery
romance succumbs to duty
joy is replaced by indifference.
master of to-do lists
capable to do it all
to every face she encounters
to her world
she is the one.

The One
however
does not need her
he WANTS her.
he sees beyond her constantly moving hands
beyond her abilities and her talents and her gifts
beyond what she can do for him
and he sees HER.

me.
you.

he sees beyond what they see
beyond even what we see.
he sees who we are when we have nothing left
the one he created
the one he intended you to be
the one we are when we let go of who we think we need to be
and just
be.

and that is the one he loves.

Jaida's Writing

2008-03-18T16:47:00.001-07:00

My daughter (she's 8) and I were talking about creative writing, compared to writing for school ...this is what she wrote. (She gave me permission to share this!)

THE ONE AND ONLY GOD

How powerful he is, the one who created the whole earth, he created things beyond the earth, he created the solar system. He is the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. Everyone should believe in him, and believe that he is the one and only God. He is a mighty, powerful and wonderful God. Don't choose wrong choose right. Don't go to hell go to heaven.
by Jaida

For Jaida

2008-03-18T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sweet girl, with eyes a lovely shade of pure

And a smile that causes the sun to shine each day for me

Your existence is not one of mere chance

Each breath you will take has been carefully planned by the One who created you.

The world would be lacking, without you in it

For you offer something that no one else can

You offer

You.

There is purpose in each and every day that you live

You have the power to change the world

If you choose to look beyond yourself

And see the world around you.

You have been created to serve the One who created you,

To serve the ones He has created

To live a life of love and hope and joy

You have been created to live.

So choose today to be the day

that you truly choose to live.

strength...

2008-01-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

I can’t take anymore
The anger is building
I’m out of control
I yell and I scream
I throw myself down
I’m on the ground
Face to the floor
I lie alone with my tears
Darkness all around

His hand is on the small of my back
In his touch
I feel strength
Gentleness
Love and
Sadness
He says soft words
Words of understanding
Words of encouragement
As if he has seen into my soul
To the very message I was longing to hear

He is my best friend
The best friend
He is my helpmate
My husband
God comes near
Through his strong hand
Through his embrace
The place
I would rather be
The place
Where I feel safe

He is what I want
What I’ve never wanted
More than I’ve ever wanted
He is what I need.

The day...

2008-01-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

I remember the day I decided to leave him. It was summer, a warm day, with a gentle breeze. I sat on the porch for about an hour, holding my little girl, so small and peaceful, watching the neighbors mow their grass and play catch. The mood was relaxed and it seemed that heaven was all around.

I heard the noise coming from inside the house and I tried to ignore it. How could such a perfect day be interrupted by such foolishness? He was home and he wasn’t alone. There were voices I recognized and some that I didn’t. I hoped they would leave before I went inside. They didn’t.

They were there, on my couch, in my kitchen, laughing and yelling and cursing. I greeted them, as politely as I could, and tried not to see what they were doing with the items they pulled from their pockets. Tried not to smell what was lingering in the air. Tried not to know what I knew too well.

I walked downstairs, to keep my baby from the madness. He followed me; he was high, again. He wanted to know why I never stayed with him; why I always wanted to be alone, why I always took our daughter away. We argued, the same words as the day before, the day before, the day before. I looked into his eyes and I saw my daughter. I saw the life that she would lead if I stayed. I felt the fear of life if I left.

I broke free from his gaze and told him I was leaving. He was too high to care; he didn’t put up a fight. As I walked out of the house, with a bag of clothing and diapers, a breeze fell across my face. It was the most gentle breeze, as if someone’s soft fingers had swept across my cheek, wiping away my tears.

That was the day I said goodbye to the one I knew, to surrender to the One who knew me.

A simple reminder.

2008-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

Laughing and joking and smiling all day
No greater joy than a friend coming to play
The world was made for me alone
No harm meant for me in any unknown

Years later the unknown became too well known
My smile not as evident, more time spent alone
Longing for the safety of my younger years,
Looking for love in anyone near

A hardened heart and a cynical mind
A reflection of innocence left behind
Regret of opportunities missed and opportunities taken
Places I’ve never seen and too many places that I had been

I pause and look into the reflection
The same person I’ve been since the moment of conception
The person I’ve become through the mud and the dirt
Is the person I was before all the work

He created me to be the person I am
The person he created by his holy hand
I need to appreciate who it was that made me
for everything He does, He does perfectly.

2007-11-15T12:05:00.000-08:00

she approaches life with caution
every step carefully thought out and planned
always aware of mines waiting to explode
and thorny vines longing to entrap her.
every spoken word analyzed,
considered an insult until properly determined otherwise.
it is a life she knows is not worth living
she has now simply accepted
the dark cloud that resides above her.
she cannot overcome her fear.
her mind drifts and wanders
into the dark space that he has created for her.
he fills her mind with thoughts of things
too awful to even mention.
she watches the images of evil
parading through her mind
but she cannot stop them.
she is a slave to his power.
“just stop thinking those things,
take control of your mind”
the voices on the outside tell her.
her grip on her own sanity
is growing weaker.
she feels incompetent
that she cannot control her own mind.
he has taken control;
she has given him control.
she must fight…
she will fight…
she WILL conquer…
she will…
she is…
Tired.

I believe. Help me with my unbelief.

2007-10-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Sinking into the depths of unbelief
Gasping for the breath that will set me free
I’ve fallen into the evil trap
Of believing just enough
Believing in the believable
not truly trusting the unbelievable
yet what is God, if not unbelievable?
what power would He possess,
if the power could be understood
or controlled by
me?
What freedom am I granting Him
In my life
When I am shackled by doubt
Self-doubt and God-doubt and people-doubt…
Staring at the same hindrances
For years
Wondering what affliction I must have
That after prayer
And tears
And desire,
These hindrances are still here
Knowing that healing should have begun
Long ago
Like an ant working his whole life
To move a building…
Eventually he must give up
For the task is simply
Unbelievable.
Yet do I not have
A power
Than an ant cannot claim?
If my hindrance is a hindrance
In the sight of the Lord
Do I not have the power
I need to free myself from that curse?
I do have the power
To free myself…
All I have needed to do
All along
Is to believe.

Fruit of the Spirit

2007-10-12T10:26:00.002-07:00

“But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control..."

When I think about
the kind of person I want to be
the words that enter my mind are ...
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control

For so long,
I distanced myself
from you...
denying any similarities
in an attempt
to create my own identity
apart from you or anyone else.

Though when I think of the person that you are,
the words that enter my mind are
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Thank you for being an example of Jesus in my life.
i love you, mom : )

The world.

2007-10-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

The world is so large
and untouchable
until it becomes real.
Sometimes the world
lives inside of you
moving and growing and being.

It's as if God took the entire world
and placed it into the 2 inches
growing inside of me.
As if suddenly,
what had no meaning
suddenly meant everything.

Who am I to have such an honor
such a responsibility
again?
Was anyone watching
what I did
the first time?

Yet, in the moments of peace
the moments of just being,
I feel joy.
Joy and contentment and excitement,
fear and anxiety and concern
every emotion in the world, inside of my world.

The world is growing
inside of me.

The Working World.

2007-09-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

This is really over-dramatic. My boss was being a jerk so I wrote this.

He comes into the room
My stomach is in knots
I am tense
My eyes fill before he even speaks
His words pierce my soul
They break my spirit
He leaves before he knows the damage he’s caused
Or worse, perhaps he leaves with a full understanding.

The joy that was mine
Has been suffocated
He has stolen it for his own.

Passion and energy that I once possessed
What seems a lifetime ago
Sneak into my mind and I remember
I remember the unfiltered thoughts
And the ignored warnings from logic
The passion, the energy
I remember them well
They were undirected and foolish, of course
I remember them.

The joy that was mine
Has been suffocated
He has stolen it for his own.

Lost.

2007-09-18T08:00:00.001-07:00

Where do I go from here?
I am walking, timidly, slowly,
Through this black space
I can’t see in front of me
Behind
Near or far
I see a black empty space
Where do I go?
Which direction do I choose
When they all seem to lead to nowhere
Or even worse, somewhere
Some unknown somewhere
I cannot know where to go
Unless I know where I am
I thought I knew
I thought I could see
Now I hear and I think and I imagine
But I cannot see
So where do I go from here?
I make a choice and I wait
I wait for the consequence, the result, the outcome
But there is nothing
Black
Dark
Empty
I am lost.
I must have been lost for a long time
But I just realized my position today
I now have a full appreciation
For my situation
I am lost.
The map I was following
Turned out to be a circle
I am where I started
No progress, no gold at the end of the rainbow
Just a circle,
Leading me to where I began.
And so I sit.
I wonder.
I dream.
I wait
To find out where I go from here.

You. (me)

2007-09-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

I look into the mirror
Into stranger’s eyes
Into the expanse of the sky.
I look in the rhythm of a song
The words of a poet
The embrace of my love.
I look
And I look
Yet I cannot see You.
I know you are there
Here, with me, around me,
In me.
Yet I cannot see You.
I know of You.
I know about You.
I want to see You.
I long to live my life for You.

(I am captivated
By me.
I sing praises
To me.
I live my life
For me.
It’s not about You,
It’s all about me. )

I want to see You.
(me)
I long to live my life for You.
(me)

I look for You.
I do not see You.
When I look,
I see me.
I look for me.

Trying

2007-08-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

I take a few steps and look around ...
I recognize nothing.
Where am I?
How did I get here?
I long for familiarity,
though I have run from it for so long.
I took for granted the daily activities,
the routines...
I traded the known for the unknown
and now I don't know where to go!
Searching for someone, something
that reminds me of where I've been...
I am scared of where I am going.
Everywhere I turn is change,
challenge and movement.
I want to stay still.
I want to chain myself to the comfort of my past.
The future is too big, there are too many possibilities, too many chances...
there are risks and there could be failure and pain.
If I close my eyes and make no movements, I can be ignored...
life will pass me by and I will be safe.
Why is His whisper so LOUD?
Why won't be leave me alone?
NO, God, I do not want to stand up.
I do not want to walk with You.
I do not want to see what you have planned for me.
Just leave me alone.
YES, I do want to stay in this place, alone.
I do want to let someone else do that for me.
I want to be safe, I don't want to take any more chances.
I've been hurt too many times, God.
I've disapointed people and I've disapointed myself.
I've failed.
So, just go whisper to someone else. I give up.
Really.
Just go.
Why aren't you leaving?
Why don't you ever leave?
Why won't you give up on me?
You really won't EVER give up on me?
No matter what?
God, I'm just so scared.
What if I do my best and I'm not enough?
You will be there, though, right?
Always by my side?
You'll give me the strength
wisdom
understanding
that I need?

OK, God, I'll stand up and I'll uncover my eyes and my ears and I'll try.
I'll try.

2007-08-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

I cannot express what I am feeling
The words are too hard to say
To write
To think
They should not be arranged in such a way
That it expresses the way I truly feel.

You are everywhere
Where I need you, where I want you, where I can’t see you, where I am…
I want to hide from You, Your perfection, Your holiness.
I want to shield Your eyes from the truth…
You should not see what I do
You should not hear what I say
You should not feel what I feel.
I will keep You from me.
I will protect You.

I cannot express what I am feeling
It should not be conveyed
This thought exists in a place so dark
Even Your light cannot penetrate
Who am I to ask You to meet me where I am?
The Lord of Light, coming to meet me in the depths of despair?
I would never be so brazen and bold.
I would never impose such a request upon You.
Not You.

You are far too holy for me.
You are far too perfect for me.
You are far too good for me.
You are far too loving for me.
You are far too caring for me.

You are here for me.

You are caring.
You are loving.
You are good.
You are perfect.
You are holy.

I cannot express what I am feeling. There are no words.

Impact.

2007-07-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

i arrive at her home,
expecting to stay but a few minutes and then go.
i have things to do and i don't know her well,
i will sit for a few moments to be polite.
she struggles to find words, she does not speak my language,
i struggle to find meaning in what she says.
suddenly the words begin to make sense,
her intentions are clear.
we smile and begin a dialogue,
a conversation orchestrated by her Father, my Father, our Father.
she moves about the kitchen, making food from her home, the land she calls Home,
she sings songs to me that are familiar, yet I don't know the words.
we communicate through broken phrases and wild gestures,
we communicate.
she offers me a peek into the small part of the world that is hers,
and the small part of the world that is mine will never be the same.
_______________________________________________

This probably won't make much sense to anyone else, but we visited the home of a family from the Dominican Republic over the weekend and I wanted to write about it : )

Her.

2007-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

I watch for her, I'm always watching for her...
I think about her all of the time...
when will I see her again?
a glimpse here or there is all i've really seen so far...
she is always hiding...
i think she's scared.
if only she could see herself, the way i see her...
i love the way she thinks of others before herself,
the subtle way she lets someone know they matter...
she jokes around with her daughter,
she makes her husband feel like the luckiest man in the world...
i see the way her mom confides in her, like she's her very best friend...
and the sparkle in her father's eye when she calls him daddy...
people feel like they can be themselves around her...
they feel loved and special and they laugh and they smile...
but me, well, it's different for me...
my selfishness, it's suffocating...
the way i get angry at every little thing...
my daughter, she runs away if she does something bad;
she knows i'm going to yell again...
my husband, the poor guy, he takes the brunt of my bad days...
my mom, she loves me, i know she does, but sometimes i wonder why...
i don't even know what to say to my father, it's always so awkward...
i wish i were more like Her...
i want to be like that...
the woman that God intended me to be ...
i want to be her.

Not About Me

2007-07-18T12:58:00.001-07:00

It's not about me, it's not about me, it's not about me. I have heard this over and over again for years. I was in India in 2005. I have never heard anything so clear as God telling me that this life is not about me. During those days while I was in India, and in the weeks that followed, I heard it everywhere I went. Indirectly, directly, from God's very own holy lips, from my own unholy mind, from every bird I watched and from every kid I hugged. I saw it in the sunsets and I felt it in the penetrating presence of the Lord. It's not about me. Yet, look at my life and I guarantee you would not say, wow, she really lives her life for the Lord. Two years ago is when I clearly heard God telling me to live my life with regard for Him and for the things that He desires for me, yet I am living my life for me just as much as I was then. The idea that this life is not my own is easy...the reality is much harder than I realized.

My Life

Though I am enticed by the freedom you offer
i cannot pry my fingers from my life
my time
my desires
my goals
me.
I have made my life the center of all that matters
and placed you in a small space behind my immediate gratification
my family
my friends
my enjoyment
me.
I've made me into You
and You into less than me.

whisper

2007-06-28T06:04:00.000-07:00

you whisper in my ear
i strain to hear what you say
i can almost decipher your coded message
i'm so tired of trying
the ease of listening to the noise of the world
entices me
i succumb once again to the meaningless
i close my ears and harden my heart
i am bored with life
i know where true life is found
yet i resist
i know that in the darkness
i will call upon your light
and you will be there
you are always there, waiting
a fool waiting for the one who scorns him
yet you are no fool
you will not be ignored forever
i claim too much power
my pride is too strong
who am i to think that i am in control of you
i can barely control myself
why do i resist you
why do i fight every move you make to save me
your whisper is becoming more faint
the noise is growing so strong...

2007-06-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

i was thinking tonight about how different God is from humans. i was eating raisin bran and i thought "i LOVE raisin bran". and as i was enjoying my raisin bran, i was thinking about how great it is that God gives us these gifts all day, every day. he didn't have to make food taste good. it's not necessary to our survival. then i looked down at my dog and thought about how much i loved him, and if you start thinking about things like raisin bran and your dog, you just have to praise this God who cares more about us than we can even imagine. the more i thought about this, the more i liked God. liked him. not loved him because he gave me life and sustains my life and sent his son, etc. but liked him for who he is. he's someone i want to spend time with. and then i was thinking about my "first love", my daughter's father. i was 14 the first time i saw him. and from the moment i saw him, i loved him. "love" meaning i couldnt think about anything else and i could see no wrong when i looked at him...i gave him automatic love, without even really knowing him, without him even asking for it, i just gave it to him. then i got to know him and i thought about him, just like i was thinking about God tonight. but the outcome was so different. the more i thought about him, the less i liked him. eventually it got to the point that i completely loved him but i didnt like him at all. i am so excited that the more i get to know God, the more i like him. : )

Isaiah 52:1-2

2007-06-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

This is what I got from Isaiah 52:1-2 one night...it's not gramatically correct, sorry about that...first draft material (i rarely edit) : )

Awake, Awake Zion, clothe yourself with strength...
You have a strength within, capable of moving mountains, look for it, own it, you are stronger than you know.

Put on your garments of splendor, Jerusalem the holy city...
Do not hide. Do not back down. Let yourself be seen. You Are Beautiful.

The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again...
What you have done, what you have experienced is in your past. It is OVER. You are NOT defined by the actions taken against your beauty.

Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, Jerusalem...
Now is the time, now is your time. Pick yourself UP from the ashes. Your FATHER is calling your name. He sees you lying in the dirt and he is CALLING you. RISE UP, daughter. You will NOT lay in the dirt again. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I will not defile you. I will not betray you. I SEE YOU and I love you.

Free yourself from the chains on your neck, Daughter Zion, now captive...
FREE YOURSELF. You have spent TOO long, living with these heavy, rusty, filthy chains on your neck. They do not belong to you. Give them to me. I will bear your burden. You are now FREE.

Worlds Apart

2007-06-08T05:42:00.000-07:00

The alarm sounds and our day begins
the dog is laying on the floor and I trip over him, stub my toe
my daughter is watching the smurfs instead of getting ready for school
i don't have time for breakfast, again
we are stuck behind six tractor trailers, creeping slowly up the hill
oh great, now a school bus, i'm going to be late for work again
voice mails greet me when I finally arrive at the office
phone calls and emails and piles of paperwork
i pray for God to help me through one more day
it's almost too much for one person to handle...

She wakes before the sun rises
walks about a mile to fill her bucket with water
back to her house to prepare rice for her children's breakfast
she walks the mile again to wash her children's clothing so that they have something to wear for school
the children wake, eat their rice and walk with their mother, 11 miles, to school
when she returns, she works the field, gathering vegtables from her garden
she walks to the market so that she can try to sell her vegtables
she walks to her children's school
they, again, walk through the tall grasses, behind a checkpoint that they are not supposed to pass
she knows if they are seen, they will be killed
she thanks God for one more day and prays that He will help them through
it's almost too much for one person to handle...

Flour

2007-06-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

I am typically more comfortable with written communication than verbal (hence being involved in Reflective Souls), so I am sharing my flour experience here instead of last night. The outcome is not unusual for me, as simple things tend to ridiculously lead me to more serious topics...I was actually a bit relieved when the time was up because I didn't want to think about it anymore!! but anyway, here it is ...

in my fingernails

flour (yes, I knew right away) : )

baking

sandy

beach

disapears with touch

rubs away

less and less

till nothing left

once so beautiful

once so fun

so innocent

touching touching touching

robbed

stolen

(given)

nothing left

missing that first touch

remembering how it felt

never again

never the same

memories

not wanting to remember

not able to forget...

So now as I analyze what I wrote, I think that my mind went to that place because of where I am in life right now...and sometimes it still pains me to think about where I was before...I could go on, but I'm feeling too vulnerable right now so I'm just going to sheepishly back away ...

Thanks for a great group last night...I really enjoyed spending time with each of you!

: )

Another Day ...

2007-05-18T05:33:00.001-07:00

She wakes, she stretches, reluctantly leaving the world of dreams.
She says good-bye to summer days full of naps and books...
No more is she lying on a sandy, white beach with endless sunsets...
No longer is she free of responsibility and duty.
Hesitating for a moment, but knowing reality is inevitable and fast-approaching, she touches her feet to the ground.
Her day has begun.
Children are dressed and transported.
Deadlines are met and meetings are held.
Dinner is made and bedtime stories are read.
Dishes are washed and towels are folded.
She collapses into her bed and realizes another day is done.
Accomplishing every item on her to-do list, she wonders why the day felt so empty.
Her mind begins to slow and her body begins to relax, as she nears sleep once again.
As she begins to fall asleep, she hears a faint whisper..."I'm still here..."
And then she remembers Him.
She tries to refresh her mind and stir her body. She just needs to stay awake for a few more minutes...
But her day has been too hectic, her life too busy, she cannot fight sleep and once again, she falls asleep without spending a moment with her Father.
She sleeps.
She wakes, she stretches, reluctantly leaving the world of dreams...

2007-05-16T05:30:00.000-07:00

An excerpt from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest":
We think it is a sign of true humility to say at the end of the day, "Well, I just barely got by today, but it was a severe struggle." And yet all of Almighty God is ours in the Lord Jesus! And He will reach to the last grain of sand and the remotest star to bless us if we will only obey Him. Does it really matter that our circumstances are difficult? Why shouldn't they be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God’s riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges— always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.
I am getting married in 9 days. I am also working full-time, going to school full-time and being a mom full-time. I lead a growth group. My car was hit while I was sleeping 2 weeks ago and I have been working with the insurance companies ever since. Blah blah blah. The point is, I am busy. I have been stressed. Yesterday, I hit a wall. I was at a breaking point. I found out that my car was being totaled for $2000 less than I owed on the car. It was at that moment that I finally said, "GOD, I CAN'T do this anymore. I need help." Now, I think that I am pretty good about asking God for help. I am not one of those people who think that I can handle things on my own. I completely understand and acknowledge my need for God. Yet, when it came down to it, I had to reach a breaking point before I REALLY asked God for help. A few minutes later, I received a phone call from my uncle, the car salesman. He had worked out a plan so that the insurance company would give me more money for my car and he was able to get me into a brand new car, for a few more dollars than I was paying for my old car.

I think what happens is we (at least, I) underestimate God. I underestimate his ability to help me, but more than anything, I underestimate his love for me. I think I hesitated to ask God for help because I didn't want to bother Him. I didn't actually think that in my head, but somewhere down deep, I think that was my reasoning. But God is Everywhere, He is involved in Everything. Every teeny little thing that comes up in our lives, He cares; it actually matters to Him. And when that concept becomes a reality, there is nothing that we cannot handle, with our God right there by our side. He's like the mafia guy who knows everybody and can get you into the best restaurants and can take care of your "problems", because he has that power and that authority. God is like our own personal mafia guy, but He's good and doesn't whack people. It's not even 9 AM yet so I can't actually be held responsible for this post. My point is, though, we may be weak, yet He is strong. And that is good to know.

: )

Conversation with Jesus

2007-05-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

This came out of my silence and solitude time tonight ...

I climb the stairs and leave the world behind. When I reach the top, there are two chairs, very comfortable lounge chairs. I am standing on a glass box. Everyone, everything, the entire world is in the box below. I can see them but cannot hear them. There is such a peaceful silence; it is so inviting. I walk over to my chair, which is positioned so that it is facing the other chair. Jesus is sitting, waiting for me, and I give him a hug, as friends do when they greet each other. He smiles, a warm, knowing smile. I can see the world below me and I sigh as I settle into my chair. "Oh Jesus, I'm tired. I'm so tired." I tell him about my day and he listens, offering a nod of his head or soft chuckle. After I have dumped all of my complaints and stresses from the day on him, I am quiet. And then he speaks wisdom to my heart. He fills my soul with peace and encouragement and fills me with strength to enter the world again. Before I go, I look up and I am amazed, once again, as I see the expanse of the sky and I realize how small I really am and I thank God for loving me, in spite of me, and for never leaving my side.

Tonight I debated in my head for a few minutes. Watch "Intervention" or spend time with God? Intervention is such a great show, it was a tough decision! It's hard to put things aside to spend time with God. It's hard to sit and not get anything "accomplished". It's hard to stay awake when you've worked and struggled and worried all day. Until you actually do it. Once you make that decision to make God important, you realize that you accomplished exactly what you should have accomplished, taking time with God really is better than a few more minutes of sleep and don't even get me started on how much BETTER it is to give our worries to God!!

The God of our universe is moving. He is moving all around us and it's up to us to pull ourselves away from the demands and temptations of life, to look for Him in all we do. He is everywhere! We just have to look for Him.

Now I'm going to go watch Intervention. : )

The First is the Hardest

2007-05-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

The first time you do anything is usually the hardest, and creating a place where my personal thoughts can be displayed and read by people outside of my head is no exception. However, when you feel God poking, it's best not to ignore Him. How many times do I have to learn that the hard way??

Honestly, I want to think of some butt-kickin', unique, standing ovation kind of way to start this little project, but I'm at work (I'm on my lunch break, honest) and thus, surrounded by yellow legal pads, piles of paperwork begging me to throw them far into the depths of my trashcan, and attorneys who all have "stop what you are doing" deadlines. It's hardly the ideal environment for inspiring creativity. Fortunately, amongst the daily demands, I hear a faint whisper, all day, beckoning me to look to Him, look past what I can see with my eyes, and see the One who makes everything have meaning.

That's it for now...I am excited to meet everyone in June. Thank you for the invitation, DeAnn.